39)
ESTONIA
This
was a weak, weak choice by the usually more innovative and modern voters of the
Baltic state. The might of Winny Puhh would have done much more for their
profile in the contest (although most it would have delivered is a headache
rather than douze points). She may be a pretty girl with an OK voice but this
doesn't win, and never wins, Eurovision by itself.
The
song doesn't progress, it has a boring presentation and plus its chorus is a
blatant is a rip off of "A moment like this".
38)
BELGIUM
The
song has had a makeover since the shabby radio selection process, however there
is only so much you can do with a rubbish song. One thing they could've done
was to select somebody who could a) actually sing and b) actually sing in
English. He can do neither. How on earth did he win "The Voice"? Was
he the only person who turned up
This
will be a car crash of a performance, especially the key change. Belgium,
you have so much talent yet you don't use any of it.
(NOTE
TO VRT - Selah Sue 2014...??????)
37)
CYPRUS
An
internal choice by the island nation who may well not turn up in May if they
can't get their money out of the bank. In fact this may well be the safest
option. The song is a lolloping ballad in Greek that never seems to end, goes
nowhere and won't be understood by the majority of viewers.
Although
Despina is a seasoned performer, I have yet to see her sing this song live. I
suggest you highlight this performance in semi-final 1 as the point to make a
cup of tea.
36)
SPAIN
It
is a shame but for an act with a lot of promise and appeal they have chosen a
dire and awful song. A pointlessly long intro, a change of tempo that doesn't
work and a really long drawn out chorus makes a huge opportunity lost. When
will the Spanish choose a song that *doesn't* contain any Spanish? When hell
freezes over...
The only salvation for this song is that the lead singer is well known in Italy
and that latecomers to this song may well believe they are watching an Irish
entry.
35)
AZERBAIJAN
This
is the first time the land of fire has chosen a solo male singer to represent
them in Eurovision - and the reason is now out - it is because all the good
singers are female.
The
verses, which I think is in English but the jury is still out, is mumbled and
badly acted through. However if you have fallen asleep, don't worry because the
shouts of "HOLD ME! JUST UNFOLD ME!" will wake you up from you sweet
dreams straight into a horrible hairy nightmare. A song best appreciated by the
deaf and/or blind.
34)
ISRAEL
Oh
it cannot be - another ballad?!? If the viewing public feel the same way as I
do all the ballads will merge into one, will forget which one is which and vote
for San Marino anyway :o)
Israel
have seemingly sent a Lynda Woodruff tribute act to Eurovision. This is
obviously a ploy to get the Swedish/Nordic vote. Moran has big hair and even bigger
comedy glasses. Moran is not dressed in the most flattering of outfits and
seems to screech her way through the second half of the song that never ends.
http://youtu.be/rYuSe5h-rrg
33)
MALTA
At
least this is not a ballad. Last year we the first use of 'cybersex' in a
Eurovision entry. This song includes the phrase 'risk assessment'. Don't let
anybody tell you that Eurovision doesn't just sent the same old shit every
year. The shame out this song is the only catchy thing is the 'ohhhh ohhhh'
part after the chorus which makes you feel that the writers have wasted their
time.
Giovanni,
who sings the song, is a doctor by trade so will be able to administer the
audience with whatever they need so they can wake up when he's finished.
32)
FRANCE
Nearly
20 years on from Nina Morato, France
are *still* trying to get the dirty old man vote. Amandine is really overdoing
the whole dominatrix thing in this video and it's not going to work on stage.
This
is the most atypical Eurovision entry put forward this year. It is just too
severe and inaccessible for the ordinary viewer to vote for. Amandine won Star Academy a
few years ago but her career has somewhat gone down the pan. Another case of
desperate pop star wanting Eurovision to save their career. Not with this song,
love *yawn*
http://youtu.be/YQJaab8j4fU
31)
AUSTRIA
Their
national final this year was such low quality, it was tragic. The umpteenth
Eurovision song called Shine is a ballad which is trying to be an Adele b-side,
if she had lot the ability to write a decent song.
It is a contemporary sounding song but lacks any oomph or connection to the
audience so no-one will vote for it. Her only hope is that Alf Poier is free on
semi-final night and can re-choreograph her routine to involve a dummy with a
cat's head playing a zither. Upside down.
http://youtu.be/8dpcKwdSBhM
30)
HUNGARY
ByeAlex
is the name if this act and "Bye Alex!" is what we will be saying
when it doesn't qualify from semi-final 2 and they end up going home. The
Hungarians seemed to spend a lot of time an effort in selecting their entry and
chose the wrong one.
This
said, the song is catchy in parts and the title of the song is repeated enough
times for you to join in and sing along. It is a quiet, meek and gentle ditty
but it soon turns a big smug and self-satisfied and you start to hate it. The
teapot hat and glasses don't help either.
29)
LATVIA
Keeping
up the great, fine tradition of rapping in Eurovision such as Love City Goove,
Kølig Kaj, Ich Troje and Real McCoy, Teapacks, Waldo's People, Daz Sampson,
Greenjolly and Gypsy.cz are PeR who will once again make sure people realise
that rapping and Eurovision doesn't work.
Latvia
has had a string off useless entries - long gone are the days of "My
star" and "I wanna". Maybe those early triumphs were merely
flukes...? The only upside is that the lead singer, Ralfs Eilands, may appear
on stage shirtless.
28)
FYR MACEDONIA
The
duet of Lozano and Esma - or at least that was what "Imperija" WAS.
This is a duet in the style of Natalie Cole singing with her dead father - except
these two are very much alive. Together but very much not together. It's a
horrid mish-mash of styles written in a rush - and you can tell.
These
two are like chalk and cheese. He sings in Macedonian, she sings in Romani. He
emotes, she interrupts. He stands still, she wafts her arms around. She looks
exotic, he looks like Jeremy working in I.T.
27)
MOLDOVA
"Look
into my dress, look into my dress, the dress, the dress, not around the dress,
don't look around my dress, look into my dress, you're under."
The
hypnotising effect of Aliona's dress may put you off actually listening to the
song. I'd also say that people vote for songs, not dresses but if voters are
silly enough to pick up the phone for a Ukrainian sand artist dressed as Mystic
Meg then anything is possible. I would say more about the song but it is 'nice'
and 'acceptable' which is really not flattery.
26) RUSSIA
"What if we
all opened our arms? What if we came together as one?
What if we aimed to stop
the alarms? What if we chose to bury our guns?"
This is a
saccharine, soppy and most of all disingenuous ballad coming from a country who
treats people who dare to criticise the government (Pussy Riot) like Fascists
and interrupt perfectly legitimate gay marches as if they were terrorist
recruitment drives. Maybe they should play this song to the homeless and
orphaned children of Syria
whose war they have helped to continue...? #justsayin
25) GEORGIA
Another sloppy
ballad which I think was initially called "Golden Shower" before the
EBU asked them to change the name. Sophie and Nodi make an awful couple and
their chemistry is so stage school, one might mistake this for a set-up
audition for the X-factor. I seriously doubt these two can sing this song live
and if they can sing it, I doubt it will be decipherable.
Now we all know how
"Quedate Conmigo" last year's Spanish entry would've sounded like if
Thomas G:Son had been able to write English lyrics for it.
http://youtu.be/CvdcRmzuXKM
24) FINLAND
This is the most fun and light-hearted song this year but that doesn't mean it's any
good. I say light hearted, but a song about bullying your mate into
marrying you whilst stalking him is light hearted - no?
I guess a lot of
effort will be put into the visuals of the song in the hope you take no notice
of the stupid lyrics about dieting and having babies. The 'ding dong'
part is just cringe worthy although I can imagine little girls at school
singing this refrain stomping about pretending to be old Krista.
http://youtu.be/FdU02F9lT2g
23) BELARUS
Finally Alyona gets to perform at Eurovision!
After being disqualified as winner of the Belarusian final
last year she won the selection again but then decided to change her song. She
is a very pleasing performer but I find her performances of this just a little
too OTT. The verses are by the by but he chorus is as catchy as hell, though.
This song has a whiff of everything and everyone. Sometimes
it feels a bit Sertab, sometimes a bit Ruslana and when she pushes her vocals
too much she sounds a bit Xandee.
22) ITALY
As the song stands,
it's too long so I am intrigued about where the extra time will the shaved off.
It can't be sped up so getting rid of a
superfluous verse may be the way to go. The song builds well but it is a long
wait.
The performance is
nothing special and I don't believe that Marco has enough of a pull to get
people to stay tuned in, never mind vote. Marco's unusual style of 'narcolepsy
singing' may well be very off-putting. The juries may well
love this (and him) but I am not sure the televoting public will.
http://youtu.be/X2C-ePvHfAs
21) BULGARIA
Another return act
to the contest however I don't think this will be a happy ending. The song has
a fantastic ethic feel too it and the plethora of drums on stage will give it
an interesting visual. I can foresee movement and flashing lighting on the
stage and a lot of flying drumsticks.
However I have
major reservations about the vocal. On the recorded version there is a lot of
production on it and a lot of harmony. Elitsa wasn't too hot last time at
Eurovision but the stellar song and saved her, but this song is not as good.
http://youtu.be/bExp3aNOFsE
20) ALBANIA
Nice to see Simple
Minds making their comeback through Eurovision!
This song instantly
recognisable due to the lack of any guitar rock/ethnic pop in this year's
contest, apart from this. I am usually not one for translating but I think they
missed a trick in having the chorus in English as it would give most viewers
something to hang onto.
My main concern is
that this may come off on the night as two old guys trying to look cool in
leather trousers and open neck shits but actually end up just looking like a
tribute to Top Gear.
19) SLOVENIA
This is possibly
the most contemporary song Slovenia
have brought to Eurovision in a very long time. The chorus is very accessible
and has a good structure. It has edges of dub step - but never quite goes the
whole way.
Hannah is a good
looking girl and seems to be able to command the stage well. I don't think any
extra singers will be needed so there will probably be a lot of dancing on
stage.
She seems to have
cut herself a bit of a niche in Slovenia
but part of me wonders if she can sing the song as accurately live.
http://youtu.be/OMa3V0zqksE
18) SWITZERLAND
After a hastily
arranged name change, Takasa has a very good entry for Eurovision this year.
The band, who are all part of the Salvation Army, have an anthemic song with
rock parts which might get the audience joining in. The chorus is very simple
although I don't think much of the 'aaaaaah' part as the first line.
The fact that all
traces of the Salvation Army have been erased means the performance has lost
some of its thread and continuity. Now they look like any old band rather than
a band with purpose.
17) CROATIA
This year Croatia
have sent a super group! 6 men from different klapa groups singing a simple,
traditional klapa song. I very much commend them because there are so few pure
entries this year reflecting national tastes.
The song, although
in Croatian, has a lot of repetition, and it stays in your head very easily.
The performance is not much, although in one video they were heavily
choreographed doing hand gestures and walking but it looked awful and looked as
cringe worthy as they probably felt doing it.
http://youtu.be/qdESBf3UFQI
16) ARMENIA
This song is generally
way down on fans' charts and I am not quite sure why. This is a well structured
and well written rock ballad and sung by a man who can actually sing! The song,
written by Black Sabbath guitarist Tommy Ionni, has some interesting chord
patterns and has a good balance of styles between the verses and chorus.
Conversely, Gor and
his band do look like a very motley crew and don't exactly look the neatest or
clean cut of bands. But if one is judging this as a hairiness and eyebrow
contest, this lot would win by a country mile.
15) UNITED KINGDOM
Bonnie is back! 29
years since she was first asked to represent her country she's finally said
yes. This country style rock ballad suits her voice perfectly and she seems to
sing it well and perform it well live too. Although we all (wrongly) said this
about "The Hump" last year, she is popular still throughout Europe (she sang at the German televised New Year party).
My concern is that
she'll get middling televotes and jury votes and with the new combining voting
system this may mean 0,1 or 2 points per country.
http://youtu.be/HALTU11QE6g
14) GREECE
For once Greece
have not sent a tuneless bint with long dark hair, a very short dress and most
importantly a backing singer who is actually doing most of the singing...
Although it is a bigger shock to learn that there is an Athena tribute band in Greece.
Kosa Nostra are joined by Agathonas a middle aged fellow with a balalaika and a
very bushy moustache.
The chorus of the
song is extremely catchy - just being the title repeated over and over again.
Good but surely the Greeks don't really want to win, do they?
13) GERMANY
The world famous
Cascada, and Natalie's many corsets, represent their home country with the song
"Glorious". The song is standard Eurodance fayre and very much of the
groups style. There is also no doubt that this girl can sing and perform AND it
will go big on the night, being one of the few disco dance songs in the whole
contest. It could also be big European hit.
But similar songs
rarely win successive contests and although it is not "Euphoria", it
is similar and I feel this will mean it is under voted.
12) LITHUANIA
One of the first
songs to be selected, yet it's still refreshing and interesting to listen to. A
contemporary song with a hint of the early Killers about it. The lyrics are a
bit strange (he has one shoe called love and another called pain WTF?!?!) but
his pronunciation is so bad the terrible lyrics wash over you.
Andrius also
started this year's meme of over exuberant eyebrows. It also looks like he's
ditched the top hat and tails look for Eurovision which is a shame even if he
did look like an extra from a Mr Benn episode.
11) ROMANIA
Possibly the
strangest song of all 39 this year. Cezar is a counter-tenor whose style and
presentation is more than a little bit camp. Unlike other countertenors who
have come and failed, he alternates between low and high. When he sings in higher
range it is very pleasing to the ear but deciphering the lyrics is a tough old
job.
This will stand out
a country mile from everything else in the contest with its opera twist and
mid-song dubstep breakdown - but will too many people think this is a comedic
entry?
http://youtu.be/8pNEEb6dzi8
10) IRELAND
Coming back after 2
years away (their place taken by the republic
of Jedward) Ireland finally sounds like they
have produced a non-joke entry for Eurovision that fits inside the 20th
century.
There are some
vocal issues with this song but the staging of the song during the national
final was good and could be built upon for a bigger stage. The mix of modern
and traditional really stands out and this could go big in the hall. Could the
Celtic Tiger be re-awakened but does Ireland *really* want to win and
pay for this?
9) UKRAINE
Eurovision does
Disney.
The video for this
song is however extremely over the top and is almost sickening in its
sugariness. The song has undergone some changes since the national final with
much more repetition of the chorus. Although most changes have gone down well,
I much preferred the original version and find that the song no longer flows
properly and the ending is really awful.
Zlata is a fantastic
singer and has an amazing range, she is also extremely attractive and she will
put on a fantastic show.
http://youtu.be/-onH40yB2uk
8) MONTENEGRO
If this song does
not qualify, it'll be the missed opportunity of the century. Yes, this act will
probably be used in 'isn't Eurovision wacky' clip shows for the next umpteen
years but this song, whether you like rap and dubstep, is possibly the most
contemporary song EVER sent to Eurovision.
The video has
attracted A LOT of attention worldwide and I very much suspect that the song
will not sound quite as polished on the night but Montenegro and RTCG need to
be applauded and gives some respect for choosing this.
7) SAN MARINO
The Siegel/Monetta
partnership is back in town! Last year's "Social Network song" was
the catchiest, most annoying and most embarrassing performance of last year.
Poor Valentina was made to look like an 18 year old x-factor reject but this
year the German maestro has written something more her age and style.
The false finish
(something not heard since 1997) initiates a much needed tempo change which the
auditorium will go wild for. Just don't sing "I will survive" or
"I love to hate you" at the same time...
6) DENMARK
Denmark have a stomper of a tune with an infectious
and repetitive chorus. The song covers a range of tempos but contains Celtic
and Balkan influences with the tin whistle and military drumming. The
performance is simply directed and choreographed but effective. I'm still not
sure if the fire motif works with a song about teardrops.
Emmelie favours the
'little match girl/shabby chic' look and spends most the song pestering one of
the drummers - I wonder if she wants to know where he's hidden her hairbrush...?
5) SERBIA
This is one of the
few up-tempo Swedish style schlager songs of the year - however this one if
wholly in Serbian. The song is very catchy - the piano intro is a very
interesting segue into the song although the ending is still on the
disappointing side. This will get a lot
of ex-Yugolsav votes as well as Nordic votes for its Schlager qualites but will
very obviously get the dirty man vote.
Moje 3 are the band,
and one of them is the first to go from jESC to ESC, and they have seemingly been styled as
"Bananarama through the years."
4) NETHERLANDS
The uber-ballad of
the contest. Slow, dark, melodic and memorable. The first time heard this I was
very disappointed. I was hoping for something more rocky, more uptempo, more
violent from the once enfant-terrible of the Dutch music scene. However on
further listens it is engaging and atmospheric. This will be a very
concentrated performance on the night.
Anouk has been a
star in the Netherlands,
and the environs, for many years and her very simple live video shows she can
sing this live with little trouble.
3) SWEDEN
The underdog of
Melodifestivalen won the ticket to Malmo
in dramatic style as the first 'andra chancen' winner to win the
festival. The main attraction of the song is that the changes of tempo and
energy are very individual and the chord sequences are kind of are epic - plus
Robin's voice is almost flawless.
The lighting and
fireworks accentuate the peaks of the song and although it is repetitive
lyrically, it doesn't feel it. Changes will need to be made in order to fit backing
singers onto the stage.
2) NORWAY
Bjork meets Depeche
Mode.
Eurovision is in a
state of flux. There are still those traditional songs but those songs trying
to be modern are not all hitting the spot. This one does the job perfectly.
This song is full of atmosphere, tension and darkness. It ticks rock, emo,
radio-friendly and dance buttons at the same time.
Margaret is joined
by a drummer but will also need backing singers behind her. She has an unusual
wispy voice which is interesting to listen to. She is also dressed as an Ikea
mirror frame.
1) ICELAND
I breathed a satisfied
sigh of relief when Eyþór won the superfinal during the Icelandic preselection.
The ballad, in the
local tongue, has a passionate performance and although you might not understand
the words, you understand the song. Eyþór also looks like an Icelander- like a
big, burly, long-haired Viking - yet his voice is smooth and soothing. The song
also has a Celtic theme with drumming and flutes. It does have shades of
"Let It Be" about it...
It won't win, or be
a hit, but for me this song hits the spot and the video is EPIC. It has
certainly sold me the idea of an Icelandic fishing and skinny dipping
holiday...